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 Just over a week ago I posted what was effectively (I suppose) a eulogy to my avatar - reposted below.  Well I have made it to the other side of the Equinox and have had time to reflect upon my own words and the possibly self indulgent video post of my own/avatar's last moments within, and come to a decision:

Memories are not necessarily a bad thing, and perhaps there will be a time of reincarnation sometime, somewhere, perhaps if not with Makena then perhaps another environment.

The avatar I use for my forum posts here on Thumdar has now truly become uniquely "a rare" and the images and footage I have stored have become untradable valuables.  

I am still addicted to information technology, albeit for the moment missing and online multi-dimensional outlet to express myself in, but find that I am today more able to philosophically raise another glass and toast that which was and that which has yet to come.


Whenever I found the time to be able to access the interwebs it seemed as though the whole world was also online and squeezed out time after time I failed to stay logged in for more than a few minutes. This morning UK time I attempted to fire up ThereIM again to continue recording video shots of my wardrobe outfits and perhaps even meet a long lost buddy - ThereIM failed, and my heart sank (again).

I'm fed up with downloading updates that only last 24 hours and to be honest I would rather remember my avie in her lush and colourful surroundings rather than trapped in a blue box gasping for pixelated air.

So I am to cease trying.

With this I find that I am more than '''sad I am '^infinitum sad and here I will tell you why... was a second home for Amethysta and myself since November 2003 and part of my being (the ego bit) has been wrenched away leaving an empty hole and I am not yet sure how I am to get it back. The anger, the spontaneous fits of crying and the mood wings I admit are all demonstratable forms of internet addiction, and "I am" or rather "was" an addict. Now I am left doing cold turkey with just fading memories and the few videos and pictures left on my hard drive and the videos of others that I can watch remotely on YouTube 'tu 'ty

My avatar has died, Amethysta in has died and I mourn her.

You know she had a better wardrobe collection than I have in the real world and I can thank the wonderful designers for that, whose names I forget but whom allowed me to emblazon my personality within the game.

She had an excellent taste in buggies and hover boards and almost managed that double back flip. Her hair was impecable and never a strand out of place, and her love of the purple and the mystical drew curiousity seekers and the occasional griefer.

Dangerous behind a paintball gun, but usually only to herself and her team players, she slowly progressed from being a slow moving target (dial-up) to something more formidable - those angle wings were black for a purpose!

I don't think she ever really managed to visit all the places on the itinerary even over six years, sticking to the fun areas, her 'Temple of Artemis' perma-paz (out 24/7 since joining the game) and the noobie areas, where ever helpful she would offer balloon and hoverboats tours to the noobs giving advice on how to save favourite places and positioning said noobs on the highest points in the game giving them a lift up in the world so to speak. Of course it didn't always go smoothly and the ever present danger of no fly zones and seg-vios caused much distress as a cargo load of noobs were randomly scattered from a hundred feet, but she always made sure they were alright and readily explained that this was There and these things just occasionally happened. ... fun times.

Of course the highlight of Amethysta's career was appearing in the background of the post-screening for the Wizard of Lag, her exact words I remember well ... "I think I will download this using Miro". Alas this adventurous little starlet was chronologically out of sync with the production teams behind the epics to star in them herself, but I'm sure she always dreamed.

Her death was premature and unexpected an immortality terminated by forces unseen. But I would hope that she still 'smiles as she is committed to the ether, her electrons to become part of the never ending electrostatic white noise, the great divide between us and the digitally unknown.

Rest in peace my little purple one.

Now I know some of you - especially the younger of you who might not yet have experienced such emotions - to regard my writings as some kind of psychosis. Yes I admit it ... how can I deny that I miss my electronic dolls house as much as I would my favourite toy that still sits on my dresser. But how do you find help for "avatar withdrawl"?

There is a belief within certain shamanistic practices that states that throughout a persons life, to everyone and everything they meet and interact with that constitutes and major decision making of life changing event you are voluntarily leaving a piece of yourself behind. When we fall in love, we give a piece of our heart, when we study we give a piece of our mind and when we dedicate ourselves to a cause we give a piece of our time.

I have willing sacrificed all three and had them torn away, every bit as distressing as any emotional breakup.

I loved my avatar and she is dead. I loved my two companion hounds and they are dead. I loved my friends and they are now seperated by great distances, perhaps to meet again in different virtual spaces coincidentally, but it will not be the same.


And now my fall from lifes space station is to come to an end ... I can but dream that I will continue to bounce off the floor.


Thank you Thumdar for allowing me to reflect.



Trackback URL for this blog entry. or try and get into the in beta once in a blue moon open server test for Legends of Equestria this weekend?

Decisions, decisions ... hmmm, but I do have TWO computers *hatches plan*
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